UNDERCOVER COCKROACH


"If The Dog Didn't Eat It..."


BLACK SCREEN

A LEGEND is TYPED on screen:


A PENTAGON CASE FILE #237

MISSION: RETRIEVE STOLEN MICRO-RECORDER

CIA AGENT: COCKROACH SPY #69


Under this, WE HEAR a voice SINGING:

TITLE SONG

He's Secret Agent 69...He loves to sneak through poop and slime.


DISSOLVE TO:


INT. PENTAGON LABORATORY - DAY

ESTABLISHING SHOT - a high-tech lab lined with small glass containers filled with cockroaches.  A SCIENTIST, balding with glasses, MOVES INTO FRAME.  He holds a pair of tweezers.

TITLE SONG

No job's too dirty for a roach with nerve... Though the scientist who calls the shots, is really quite a perve.

CLOSE ON - TWEEZERS

as they HOVER OVER a glass container.  They SWOOP DOWN... and PLUCK OUT a Perplaneta Americana (aka American Cockroach).

TITLE SONG (CONT'D)

They've implanted a camera above his nose... And wired electrodes to his toes.

ON COCKROACH #69

Dangling from the tweezers.  PUSH IN to a miniaturized DIGITAL CAMERA surgically attached to the cockroach's head.

TITLE SONG (CONT'D)

But despite all this, 69 likes to boast...  He's the C.I.A.'s best Undercover Roach.

CLOSER - ON DIGITAL CAMERA

as the IRIS EYE SWIVELS around.  The aperture OPENS WIDE... then SNAPS SHUT to BLACK.

HOLD a beat, then... CAMERA IRIS SNAPS OPEN to reveal...

EXT. SUBURBAN BACKYARD - DAY

THROUGH THE POV OF THE COCKROACH CAM we see... ECU of a brown and white DOG'S BUTT from BELOW as the dog squats.

SCIENTIST (V.O.)

Case file #237.  Sensors indicate micro-recorder swallowed.  Mission: retrieve from canine perpetrator.

PUSH IN on the dog's rectum as it starts to constrict.

COCKROACH #69 (O.S.)

Yeah, yeah, keep your pants on, Four Eyes.  Good things come to those who wait.

(NOTE:  only the audience can hear the cockroach.  The Scientist only hears screeches and squeals.)

CLOSER ON the dog's butt as it clenches... strains hard.  A TURD EMERGES and DANGLES.  The turd sways, then is FIRED!  Like a heat seeking MISSILE it heads straight TOWARD CAMERA.

SCIENTIST (V.O.)

Move, damn it!  Move!

SPLAT!  Screen goes to a sickly brown as the turd lands.  Completely COVERS the SCREEN obliterating PICTURE.

SCIENTIST (V.O.) (CONT'D)

(gagging)

Ugh!  Note - specimen #69, alcohol bath.

COCKROACH #69 (0.S.)

Wuss.

Cockroach #69's appendage SWIPES BACK AND FORTH through FRAME.  CLEANS the brown goo from the lens.  A streaked image reveals the disappearing dog's ass.

COCKROACH #69 (O.S.) (CONT'D)

Another day, another pile of feces.  And they call this work.

As the CAMERA SWIVELS down to a huge pile of dog shit, various BODY PARTS of Cockroach #69 are REVEALED -  an appendage, the edge of a mandible, part of an antenna, etc.


CUT TO:

INT. PENTAGON LABORATORY

OTS - THE SCIENTIST - ON CONTROL PANEL

Front and center, a large VIDEO MONITOR.  Underneath - a RED BUTTON labeled "SHOCK CONDUCTOR," a BLACK DIAL labeled "INTENSITY," a BLACK JOY STICK labeled "ROACH MOVEMENTS," and a control knob labeled "CAMERA."

ON THE MONITOR---69's appendage brings a small dollop of dog poop close to CAMERA.  As it LOWERS OUT OF FRAME...

COCKROACH #69

(MUNCHING and SLURPING)

SCIENTIST

Hey, no eating on the job.

WIDE SHOT as Scientist's hand reaches for the RED BUTTON.  PUSH IN as he PUNCHES down hard.  SFX:  ELECTRONIC BUZZ.  COCKROACH SCREECHES are heard from monitor.


SMASH CUT TO:

EXT. SUBURBAN BACKYARD - SAME TIME

The IMAGE of DOG POOP jerks wildly out of focus.

COCKROACH #69 (O.S.)

Hey, I do my best work when carbed up.

Another ELECTRONIC BUZZ and the camera jerks again.

COCKROACH #69 (O.S.) (CONT'D)

Masochist!  One day, I'll return the favor.

CLOSE ON THE WET POOP on the ground as it comes back into focus.  The IMAGE STEADIES as we...


CUT TO:


INT. PENTAGON LABORATORY

ON THE SCIENTIST - MONITOR IN THE B.G.

SCIENTIST

Another decibel should keep him searching.

PUSH IN on SCIENTIST'S HAND as it reaches for the BLACK DIAL.  Turns it up one notch, then another.

SCIENTIST (CONT'D)

There - that'll get his attention.

His finger THRUSTS down HARD again on the RED BUTTON. SFX: ELECTRONIC BUZZ. Another COCKROACH SQUEAL, as we...


SMASH CUT TO:

EXT. SUBURBAN BACKYARD - SAME TIME

CLOSE ON DOG SHIT as IMAGE BOUNCES UP and DOWN.

COCKROACH #69 (O.S.)

Hey!  Getting a little heavy handed on the buzzer?  This isn't Jeopardy, you twerp.

IMAGE STEADIES, then PUSHES IN as 69's appendage DIVES INTO the poop, SWISHES BACK AND FORTH through the brown pile.  CLOSE ON appendage as it pulls out a small spec of METAL.

COCKROACH #69 (O.S.) (CONT'D)

Ah ha!  Found it.

He shakes it.  Droplets of dog poop fly in every direction and land with a SPLAT partially obscuring picture.  PULL IN as 69 brings the piece of METAL TOWARD CAMERA.

SCIENTIST (V.O.)

Darn it, that's not the recorder...

The CAMERA ANGLE swivels AROUND in a 180 degree arc showing all ANGLES of a curvy piece of metal.

SCIENTIST (V.O.) (CONT'D)

That's a wire to an I.U.D.

COCKROACH #69 (O.S.)

Oh, right, like your "little scientist" ever came in contact with one of those.


CUT TO:

INT. PENTAGON LABORATORY

ON MONITOR, the IMAGE of the I.U.D. is splattered with dog shit.  PULL BACK to include scientist.

SCIENTIST

Fuck a duck.  Now we have to search the whole yard.

The Scientist manipulates the camera knob.  ON THE MONITOR, an image of the suburban backyard - the camera pans across grass, a white picket fence, a child's toy bucket next to a flower bed.  WE SEE HONEYLICIOUS, a yellow and black honey bee who's sipping nectar from a flowering vine.  Below, on a rock lining the garden is DEADLY DIVA, a preying mantis.

CLOSE ON SCIENTIST'S HAND - it PUSHES the joy stick FORWARD.

SCIENTIST (CONT'D)

All right, let's groove a move.


SMASH CUT TO:

EXT. SUBURBAN BACKYARD

Agent 69 BOUNCES straight up as both appendages get the shock treatment.

COCKROACH #69

OUCH!  Oh, great.  Now he wants to drive.

Agent 69 hurtles forward across the grass at triple speed toward the flower bed.  Deadly Diva snaps up onto her back legs in a ninja move as switch blades zing out of her appendages.  The lids on her oversized EYES expand and fold over and we realize they're actually ultra small BINOCULARS. 

DEADLY DIVA

Where'd he go?  Men… always disappearing just when you --

DEADLY DIVA'S POV - THROUGH EYELID BINOCULARS

As Agent 69 careens through the air straight at the binocular lenses.

DEADLY DIVA (O.S.)

Holy crap - watch the goods!

THE FLOWER BED - as Deadly Diva high dives off the rock to cower behind it as Agent 69 careens into the flowering vine where Honeylicious hovers.  The contact whips the vine through the air and both Agent 69 and Honeylicious tumble to the ground.  The two sprawl on the ground next to each other, stunned.  Honeylicious regains her dignity, glares at Agent 69.

HONEYLICIOUS

Hey, watch where you're going, lead foot.  This isn't some demolition derby!

She's beautiful, he's smitten.  Agent 69 stares at her, not noticing the communication transmitter arcing between the antennas projecting upward from her head or the ultra miniature satellite dish attached to the back of her head.

COCKROACH #69

(stuttering)

S-s-s-sor-sor-sorry.

INT. PENTAGON LABORATORY

THE SCIENTIST stares at the monitor, an ultra close-up of HONEYLICIOUS' faceted eyes filling the screen as Agent 69 stares into her eyes, infatuated.

SCIENTIST

Hey, no loitering on the job.

He pushes the joy stick forward as he manipulates the camera knob, pans the camera lens away from Honeylicious' eyes and across the backyard.

ON THE MONITOR - QUICK CUT IMAGES of the backyard as the Scientist manipulates the camera lens, to include -

- a totally disgusted Deadly Diva as she looks at Honeylicious smiling at Agent 69;

- a bright yellow swing set;

- the brown and white dog asleep under a tree;

- a CU of a baby's stuffed bear;

- the back porch of a one story ranch house;

ANGLE ON the back porch as a shapely pair of FEMININE FEET encased in hot pink SANDALS comes into frame and down the steps.  The CAMERA PANS past the feet then suddenly the CAMERA WHIPS BACK - then steadies.  CLOSE ON woman's shapely ankles.

SCIENTIST (O.S.)

Oooh, baby.  Come to Poppa!

PULL BACK FROM MONITOR to reveal the scientist watching and drooling.  His hand clenches the round head of the joy stick.  SHOVES IT FORWARD.

ZOOM IN on MONITOR.  Image of the woman's ankles FILLS FRAME.


SMASH CUT TO:

EXT. SUBURBAN BACKYARD

CAMERA hurtles toward the WOMAN'S FEET.


COCKROACH #69 (O.S.)

Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!  Not again.  I'm not your private peeping Tom.

The IMAGE SHUDDERS to a JERKY STOP.

SCIENTIST (V.O.)

Fudge!  Camera glitch.

COCKROACH #69 (O.S.)

Hey!  Who are you calling a glitch?!?

SFX - ELECTRONIC SIZZLE.  CAMERA suddenly jerks CLOSER to the woman's feet.

COCKROACH #69 (O.S.) (CONT'D)

Son of a bitch!  That hurt.

SCIENTIST (V.O.)

(salivating)

Just a little bit closer.

And the HOT PINK SANDALS FILL SCREEN.  The CAMERA SLOWLY PANS UPWARD - past her shapely ankles. . . rounded calves. . . over dimples knees. . .

COCKROACH #69 (O.S.)

Jeez, get a dating service why don't ya!

As the EDGE of the WOMAN'S SKIRT comes INTO VIEW...

SCIENTIST (V.O.)

I betcha they're lace.

(beat)

Come on... be a thong.

CAMERA continues to PAN up a pair of firm thighs...

COCKROACH #69 (O.S.)

Think again, you perve.

INT. PENTAGON LAB

ON THE MONITOR as the CAMERA IMAGE JERKS slightly - the pristine IMAGE of the woman's thigh blurs then steadies.

A WOMAN'S SCREAM O.S.

WOMAN (O.S.)

Damn cockroaches!

WHAP!  The PICTURE TUMBLES end over end and WE SEE a jumble of various images of the GROUND, SKY, WOMAN'S PINK SANDALS, ETC., including Honeylicious and a laughing Deadly Diva.


SCIENTIST

Noooooo!

The monitor in the lab is nothing but fuzz.  The Scientist desperately pounds and twirls the various knobs and buttons on his console.

SCIENTIST

Damn technology!

EXT. SUBURBAN BACKYARD

ON a whoozy Agent 69 sitting in the grass, a halo of tweeting birds and stars circling his head.  Suddenly, Honelicious flies up, hovering over the stunned Cockroach. Next to her, Deadly Diva leaps into frame, landing next to the groggy Agent 69.

DEADLY DIVA

Way to go - a left-handed smack down.  Reminds me of me.  Such impressive technique.

HONEYLICIOUS

I know, did you see how he took that hit.

DEADLY DIVA

Not him, the human.

HONEYLICIOUS

Be nice, Dee Dee. 

Deadly diva

It's 'Deadly Diva!'  How many times do I have to --

Honeylicious

Bitch, bitch, bitch.  No wonder you can't get a man.

(then, re Cockroach #69)

Oohh, poor baby.  That looked like it hurt.

DEADLY DIVA

Quit flirting, Honelicious.  He's not one of your boy toys.  He's an agent for the C.I.A.

HONEYLICIOUS

So, he's still cute.  Maybe he'd like a kiss to make it better.

DEADLY DIVA

You're such a little slut.

HONEYLICIOUS

Just cuz you can't get a date --

DEADLY DIVA

Can it, Princess.  We're on a job. 

HONEYLICIOUS

Buzz kill.  Can't a girl have some fun?

DEADLY DIVA

No.  Now's our chance - he's out of it.  And if we find that damn micro-recorder before he does, you can buy yourself a whole fleet of adoring roaches.  Now, c'mon!

Deadly Diva drags Honeylicious past the still groggy Agent 69.  As she does, Honeylicious blows him a kiss.  His head whips around, stars and tweeting birds still circling his head, as he stares after her, infatuated.

Suddenly, ZAP!  ZAP!  All his appendages are sizzled by the electrodes imbedded in them.  His body jerks and jumps up and down in reaction to the electricity.

SCIENTIST (V.O.)

Damn cockroach - what's your problem?

INT. PENTAGON LAB

As the Scientist jabs and jerks his controls.

SCIENTIST

We were almost home!

COCKROACH #69 (V.O.)

Guess she didn't like being stroked by a cockroach.

SCIENTIST (V.O.)

(whining)

I bet they were thongs.

COCKROACH #69 (V.O.)

Yeah, payback's a bitch, ain't it?

ON THE MONITOR - the CAMERA POV - of blue sky, white clouds, then a FOREST OF GREEN GRASS - as the cockroach FLIPS himself upright.

SCIENTIST (V.O.)

Okay, enough piddling around - where's that damn recorder?

The CAMERA PANS across the backyard following the white picket fence, past the swing set -

SCIENTIST (V.O.) (CONT'D)

If the dog didn't eat it...

- and lands on a TODDLER playing in a sandbox dressed in nothing but a soggy, poop filled diaper.

EXT. SUBURBAN BACKYARD

SCIENTIST (V.O.) (CONT'D)

Oh, shit.

COCKROACH #69 (O.S.)

You said it... baby.

As the cockroach scuttles forward, the image of the BABY and its disgusting diaper becomes LARGER and LARGER and LARGER.  CAMERA TILTS down as the cockroach moves closer to the edge of the sandbox.  In the background, Honeylicious and Deadly Diva spot Agent 69 approaching the baby.

HONEYLICIOUS

Oh, my.  I think he found it.

DEADLY DIVA

Where, damn it!  Noooooo!!!!!  No male turd-eater is gonna beat me again.  I'm the best!

HONEYLICIOUS

Don't worry, Dee Dee.  I'll just bat my baby blues his way and do a full body search.  Before you know it, the micro-recorder will be ours! 

DEADLY DIVA

And let Agent 69 claim the glory?!?

And Deadly Diva leaps toward the sandbox.  Honeylicious looks after her.

HONEYLICIOUS

That girl really needs to get laid.

Honeylicious and Deadly Diva fly and leap toward the sandbox.  Before they can get there, Agent 69 JUMPS to the top of the sandbox. ZOOM IN on the smelly, drippy diaper.

COCKROACH #69 (O.S.) (CONT'D)

Man, that's a full load.  Snack time.

The IMAGE of the POOP-FILLED DIAPER FILLS SCREEN as the CAMERA FLIES THROUGH THE AIR and we're INSIDE THE BABY'S DIAPER.

COCKROACH #69 (O.S.) (CONT'D)

It's a dirty job, but hey... someone's got to do it.

69's appendage crosses over the baby's poop smeared butt crack as it dives INTO AN ESPECIALLY gross LUMP of shit.

SCIENTIST (V.O.)

This job sucks.

COCKROACH #69 (O.S.)

I love this job.

ANGLE ON 69's APPENDAGE - as it POPS free of the poop.  It holds up the metal MICRO-RECORDER.

COCKROACH #69

Nirvana!

INT. PENTAGON LAB

The Scientist pumps his fist in the air.

SCIENTIST

Bingo!  Have to tell the General.  Appropriations Committee here I come!

ON THE MONITOR - is a freeze frame, close-up image of both Honeylicious and Deadly Diva, their special miniaturized, implanted devices clearly visible.  The Scientist is shocked.

Scientist

What the hell....?!

EXT. SUBURBAN BACKYARD

Agent 69 scuttles toward the backyard fence, clutching the  micro-recorder, with Deadly Diva giving chase.  Honeylicious hovering over the two.

HoneYLICIOUS

Run!

Deadly Diva makes a leap for Agent 69, her deadly pinchers just missing him.  Agent 69, with a last look back at Honeylicious, slips under the fence and escapes.  Stymied, Deadly Diva's pissed.  

DEADLY DIVA

This isn't over, Agent 69! I'll get you, yet.

Honeylicious hovers right above her, blows a kiss at the departing Agent 69.

HONEYLICIOUS

Now that's a real hero.

INT. THEATER - NIGHT

Agent 69, in his "Frank Sinatra" persona, is at the bar surrounded by a bevy of beautiful female cockroach groupies.  In the background, eyeing Agent 69, is a love-struck Honeylicious.

COCKROACH #69

Another case closed.  Guess it's Miller Time.

He lifts a brew up in a salute, then begins to sing --

COCKROACH #69

I'm Secret Agent 69...  I love to sneak through poop and slime…

The CAMERA IRIS SNAPS SHUT and we go to black.

THE END

“IF THE DOG DIDN’T EAT IT...”

NAME: UNDERCOVER COCKROACH


CREATED BY:

SHEA E. BUTLER & CHERYL CAIN


LOCATION: BOWELS OF THE PENTAGON


OCCUPATION: CIA AGENT


FAVORITE ASSIGNMENT: HE DOES HIS BIT FOR FREEDOM, DEMOCRACY AND THE AMERICAN WAY – OH, ALL RIGHT… THE TRUTH IS, HE GETS OFF ON THE CHALLENGE OF ALWAYS GETTING HIS MAN… SOLVING THE CASE… INDULGING IN EXTRA HELPINGS OF FECES…

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